When I was younger, I tried very hard to hang out with groups of people. I thought I was not normal if I did not try to get along and be outgoing. Instead I always hung to the back and only spoke to people I knew or felt comfortable with. As I have grown, I realized that I was normal. I was just someone who found comfort in the few I am very close with instead of many people. My personality tweaks a bit depending on who I am with (a bit more polite for those who favor it and a little more on the zany size for those who are comfortable with it) but I always have been myself. In short, I find comfort in people I care about, in my small circle that the people I trust with my secrets and venting is in an even smaller group.
So when through my life I was told by some individuals, usually ex boyfriends, that I was no longer who I used to be, I became paranoid and would analyze myself. It was unneeded really, as I should have known better. I was always myself, it was just that I did not notice my own fluctuations in moods as something to be strange. Spend time with yourself a lot and you get accustomed to your own behavior.
Most people see the best of you, if you let them. They see the happy, friendly, and voracious part of you. Most see the outward personality you use so that you can communicate with other people. That they don't see you ranting and flipping out as much because you do your best in public to remain calm. (This is not everyone, as some people freely express every inner thought they ever have) For some people, it takes time and energy and patience to throw themselves out to get to know people in person, to uphold constant communication, and most of all just to remain the calm and collected person that you expected to be only for the fact that everyone got USED to you acting that way.
It takes years or some very special people, to learn about your "bad side" as well. The side that is not too thrilled with not having cheese on their burger when it is just a sandwich. Sure on the outside you are calm but on the inside you might just be tired or pushing yourself to the edge of patience when that darn cheese isn't on that sandwich.
There is a side that wants to hide away from all of the people and just spend time with those you live with or even completely alone so you can breath, clear your mind a bit, refresh/reset/ alt+ctrl+delete it all. That way when you jump back into the world, you can just resume acting that "good" side everyone expects of you because that is what they learned to associate with you.
There are occasions that someone sees your "bad side" and they will assume you changed because it isn't their normal preconception of you. Even though they may have never been in a situation where they saw you about scream at the person who cut you off in traffic, or may be on the receiving end of when you choose seclusion when they want to interact, or even when you just want to be quiet and watch others interact because your best way to learn how to get to know someone might just be seeing their personality from an outside perspective before you jump in and talk to them.
This is all normal and for those who are at a constant of being very open about their emotions, yelling at people who make mistakes, and speaking every thought that crosses their mind. You are normal too. We are all our very own version of normal, and it just takes time to learn how other people are going to be in their very best situations and at their very worst.
Perhaps this is why I always forgave people more easily (sometimes too easily) when they did something wrong. I figure everyone cannot be perfect or do everything perfectly. This is why I always communicated better online through writing because I could work out the words properly into something visual instead of fumbling around with them in my head and trying to construct a sentence and misuse a word. (That happens often. WAY too often. Or my silence in thinking of a proper reply is somehow taken as me ignoring a person)
Either way, people are people. Good and bad, and I try to take things as a whole instead of piece by piece.
Thoughts that go PLORP through my mind on occasion.
30 May, 2012
17 May, 2012
Attachment Parenting Thoughts
I believe there are all sorts of parenting. It differs in every country, but in some countries you feel like having a child would be impossible. What if you have a job? Who stays home? How do I keep up with bills?
I happen to live in the 'lovely' USA where we have issues about women's rights, birth control and contraception availability is in danger based on religious views of the EMPLOYER, and not only does the father never get paternity leave (which is not even paid if they miraculously do get it) but the mothers have a tendency to not have any paid maternity leave (if they get it).
Even if you now have another mouth to feed, you are sort of hosed financially for even making the choice to have a child. Even if it is not a choice and more of a wonderful surprise, you feel punished for it.
Now, we have mommy wars. Different parenting styles and people leaping at the proverbial throat when someone disagrees with another parenting style. Well guess the fuck what, you don't like that style then DON'T DO IT.
Raise your child your way. Just nurture, love, and feed them like you should and handle your punishments and everything else in your own way as long as it doesn't abuse them.
Provided, I have not studied into the attachment parenting deeply. I didn't research any parenting at all, instead I went with my gut and took from things I did know about how I was raised. The rest was all me, following my momma instinct for what worked for my child and I.
I left college to be home with my son, which for me was the best decision ever. I bonded better because he was a newborn, his stress levels went way down and his eating habits stabilized into something better. After that, he slept better and was overall more calm.
My husband and I both chose to have him share the bed with us and sleep there. He sleeps better, the times he got sick, we were able to make sure he was sat up when he would cough (or during stomach bugs he was able to be carried to the bathroom to throw up and get cleaned up)and honestly he got better so much faster because he was comforted through the night and had us right by. I may have lost sleep doing it, but he became healthy faster.
I breast feed and if my child allowed it (because he is my little explorer) I would wear him in the sling I had gotten and that made him happy. He still breast feeds at 20 months (A year and 8 months old for those who are counting) and he is healthy, happy, eating people food, and growing like the proverbial weed. (That child is 3 FEET TALL... and has some seriously good grip and muscle control)
Guess what, I found out that most of what I did was attachment parenting. It is mostly directed at mothers and from what I have read, it involves some sort of guilt. Guilt that if you don't do those things, that you are a horrible mother. It is a terrible thing to make ANY mother feel guilty.
Every family and person is different and so different things work for them. Cannot breast feed or you personally just cannot do it for whatever reason. Oh well, as long as you feed that child to your best ability, you are a MOTHER.
Cannot carry your child because you are sore or just in general not very strong to tote them about all day long (or back issues) but you let them walk, roll around, or sit in a stroller? You are still with them, taking them with. You are a MOTHER.
Do you spend all of your time at home with them because you are inverted and like the closeness of familiar people over going out with friends to crowded bars/places all day or night once a week? Or do you like spending time apart to breath and go adventuring with a friend to somewhere totally new and kid free for a few hours? You still love them, you still come home to them, you and the baby are happy because you are mutually comfortable. YOU ARE A MOTHER.
Do you stay at home, clean the house, cook, and run errands like handling bills and tote the child along or have them at school while doing everything else that cannot be done by your significant other because they work weird hours? Do you instead work because your career is also another passion and your other stays home or you have a trusted care giver to get money for you home because you need or want to? You are providing in both roles and while some things either house maintenance or malleability in your schedule to do things may get sacrificed but either way YOU ARE A MOTHER.
And guess what, for those fathers out there also taking care of the family (aside from breast feeding but if your child accepts it they can bottle feed the boob milk for them) they can DO all of those things too. They can be the Stay-at-home DAD. They can WORK. They can be the one who voted for the co-sleeping (which mine did) and they can be the one to carry, tote, snuggle, and wear the child or push them in a stroller. THEY ARE A FATHER
If you notice while described as women doing all those things, attachment parenting has a key word. Parenting. You can have two moms, two fathers, one of each, and sometimes just one person and possibly a child care provider. It is parenting.
It is a thing that is not set and stone on how you have to do it. Because everything is circumstantial because every child is different and unique and lives in different situations. So follow some of the modeling of the attachment parenting, or follow whatever other style is out there, or follow your gut and do what makes everyone happy and what needs to be done.
The thing we need most is to stand together, turn around, and tell the bashers to ignore what they hate and go follow their own plans. There are bigger issues than someone breast feeding a three year old. That child is being loved, nurtured, and his mom is at least taking care of him. The people bashing her are showing their children to be hostile to others who are different. NOW that is something to get upset about, but I won't attack someone.
I will be an example instead, and just support all of the good things and choices a person makes for their family. No matter what they are doing, if it is supporting, nurturing, and caring for the betterment of the child and his living conditions, then I don't care if you work, stay home, are single, are paired, breast feed, bottle feed, or decide that your little 2 year old is allowed to have a moehawk. Be a parent, not a book. Love your child in your own way. YOU ARE A PARENT.
And for those who are not parents nor want to be, but are still loving and supportive and caring. I thank you very much, you are wonderful as well and your choices make you a wonderful person in your own right.
I happen to live in the 'lovely' USA where we have issues about women's rights, birth control and contraception availability is in danger based on religious views of the EMPLOYER, and not only does the father never get paternity leave (which is not even paid if they miraculously do get it) but the mothers have a tendency to not have any paid maternity leave (if they get it).
Even if you now have another mouth to feed, you are sort of hosed financially for even making the choice to have a child. Even if it is not a choice and more of a wonderful surprise, you feel punished for it.
Now, we have mommy wars. Different parenting styles and people leaping at the proverbial throat when someone disagrees with another parenting style. Well guess the fuck what, you don't like that style then DON'T DO IT.
Raise your child your way. Just nurture, love, and feed them like you should and handle your punishments and everything else in your own way as long as it doesn't abuse them.
Provided, I have not studied into the attachment parenting deeply. I didn't research any parenting at all, instead I went with my gut and took from things I did know about how I was raised. The rest was all me, following my momma instinct for what worked for my child and I.
I left college to be home with my son, which for me was the best decision ever. I bonded better because he was a newborn, his stress levels went way down and his eating habits stabilized into something better. After that, he slept better and was overall more calm.
My husband and I both chose to have him share the bed with us and sleep there. He sleeps better, the times he got sick, we were able to make sure he was sat up when he would cough (or during stomach bugs he was able to be carried to the bathroom to throw up and get cleaned up)and honestly he got better so much faster because he was comforted through the night and had us right by. I may have lost sleep doing it, but he became healthy faster.
I breast feed and if my child allowed it (because he is my little explorer) I would wear him in the sling I had gotten and that made him happy. He still breast feeds at 20 months (A year and 8 months old for those who are counting) and he is healthy, happy, eating people food, and growing like the proverbial weed. (That child is 3 FEET TALL... and has some seriously good grip and muscle control)
Guess what, I found out that most of what I did was attachment parenting. It is mostly directed at mothers and from what I have read, it involves some sort of guilt. Guilt that if you don't do those things, that you are a horrible mother. It is a terrible thing to make ANY mother feel guilty.
Every family and person is different and so different things work for them. Cannot breast feed or you personally just cannot do it for whatever reason. Oh well, as long as you feed that child to your best ability, you are a MOTHER.
Cannot carry your child because you are sore or just in general not very strong to tote them about all day long (or back issues) but you let them walk, roll around, or sit in a stroller? You are still with them, taking them with. You are a MOTHER.
Do you spend all of your time at home with them because you are inverted and like the closeness of familiar people over going out with friends to crowded bars/places all day or night once a week? Or do you like spending time apart to breath and go adventuring with a friend to somewhere totally new and kid free for a few hours? You still love them, you still come home to them, you and the baby are happy because you are mutually comfortable. YOU ARE A MOTHER.
Do you stay at home, clean the house, cook, and run errands like handling bills and tote the child along or have them at school while doing everything else that cannot be done by your significant other because they work weird hours? Do you instead work because your career is also another passion and your other stays home or you have a trusted care giver to get money for you home because you need or want to? You are providing in both roles and while some things either house maintenance or malleability in your schedule to do things may get sacrificed but either way YOU ARE A MOTHER.
And guess what, for those fathers out there also taking care of the family (aside from breast feeding but if your child accepts it they can bottle feed the boob milk for them) they can DO all of those things too. They can be the Stay-at-home DAD. They can WORK. They can be the one who voted for the co-sleeping (which mine did) and they can be the one to carry, tote, snuggle, and wear the child or push them in a stroller. THEY ARE A FATHER
If you notice while described as women doing all those things, attachment parenting has a key word. Parenting. You can have two moms, two fathers, one of each, and sometimes just one person and possibly a child care provider. It is parenting.
It is a thing that is not set and stone on how you have to do it. Because everything is circumstantial because every child is different and unique and lives in different situations. So follow some of the modeling of the attachment parenting, or follow whatever other style is out there, or follow your gut and do what makes everyone happy and what needs to be done.
The thing we need most is to stand together, turn around, and tell the bashers to ignore what they hate and go follow their own plans. There are bigger issues than someone breast feeding a three year old. That child is being loved, nurtured, and his mom is at least taking care of him. The people bashing her are showing their children to be hostile to others who are different. NOW that is something to get upset about, but I won't attack someone.
I will be an example instead, and just support all of the good things and choices a person makes for their family. No matter what they are doing, if it is supporting, nurturing, and caring for the betterment of the child and his living conditions, then I don't care if you work, stay home, are single, are paired, breast feed, bottle feed, or decide that your little 2 year old is allowed to have a moehawk. Be a parent, not a book. Love your child in your own way. YOU ARE A PARENT.
And for those who are not parents nor want to be, but are still loving and supportive and caring. I thank you very much, you are wonderful as well and your choices make you a wonderful person in your own right.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)