I have been troubled for the past two weeks. A very silly thing to get troubled about. I thought I made myself get over it easily enough.
I told myself it was alright because it was out of my hands.
I told myself I should not be upset.
Yet here I am, feeling my chest tighten every time something reminds me of it. Betrayed seemed like too strong a word... but hurt seems too vague.
It isn't an emotion that makes me want to cry. It makes me want to curl up instead, hide away from the world because I start over analyzing the situation and blaming myself for it all.
Because even if I was not wrong in what led to events... apologizing seems like I am lying to myself and others. If I don't apologize, things always will remain in that state of broken. It is no wonder I have dove head first into writing and drawing. Taking to my closest friends and people I can trust fully.
This will always hinder my ability to make new friends... putting myself out there to open up and bring my guard down. Lately, that usually leads to my emotional injury. Bringing stress to a teeming boil before spilling into other parts of my life it has no business in.
I will have to get over it of course, make sure it does not continue to eat away at me by diving further into the art and family. Find comfort and soothing with those I can trust to know and understand when I become that emotional and stressed person. Those are the people I can trust because I would do the same for them.
Patience and love. Important things to trust in.
It is time to take another breath. Time to hide away from the sources of torment until while I continue with my art. My writing. My ideas.
Some things are not worth letting emotions fly about.
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