Had fun more or less. Figuring out a game plan if the first house option does not work out. Looking at a couple more houses, particularly 3 of them that are in nice areas and are not god awful expensive.
Which is a good thing.
I still am struggling to find comfort in my place in the world. On one hand, I love being at home with my son. That is to say, Home is Where the Heart is and my heart lies with my son and husband. I enjoy spending time with my son, helping him grow and learn. Oddly enough, being a stay-at-home mom brings me very much joy and comfort to be able to do something in an environment I never grew up in. I didn't have stay-at-home anyone. Baby sitting was not something I didn't very much do by choice but because I had to. Someone had to do it.
Cleaning gives me time to think, of course busy hands cannot access a sketch book very well, so I will have to solve that issue at some point. I believe a recorder is in order for that aspect, perhaps then I can transfer my ideas into words one day.
The only problem I have is that I very much want to help in other ways too. Ways I cannot because I need to be with my son. This is not a helicopter separation anxiety thing, this is more of how a teacher wants to remain a teacher. My job lies with my son, but I also want to afford to get him things. To do things for him.
In this economy that is increasingly difficult. It is difficult for one parent alone to work and the other to remain home. I also feel guilty in asking for money from others. Not sure where this came from, perhaps from seeing people do that so much in the past that do not appreciate it and I never feel as though I have expressed my appreciation enough.
It is this strange thing, probably pride, that does not want me to depend on others financially even though I find myself constantly doing so. The feeling drives me insane some days and eats away at my mind. I want to financially have some money for myself. To help pay bills, to get Owen something he may want. To get gifts for people on Christmas that I care about.
Somehow... I wish to discover a way... to be a stay at home mom, but still bring in a little bit of money even. Something. Anything that could help or make me feel less useless.
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